Music Choice of the Day: Stumble - Tinashe
"Find the pleasure in rejection. Someone is relieving you of their baggage, their insecurities, and of their incapacity to be an enhancement to your life. It's not you, it's them" - Jalynn Jones"
It's Not Me, It's You
Happy Valentine's Day my humble viewers! As always, I want to give great thanks to you all for giving me inspiration and motivation to dedicate my time to this therapeutic release known as "Galactic Interlude". This is all warm up for my project in progress Lesson Learned. Please stay tuned, leave comments, questions, suggestions and insight for improvement or just to touch on the topic(s) I discuss in each post. All criticism is welcomed.
WELL, you all, I have been really breaking mental barriers lately. God has given me a mind that never rest. Like many of you all, I sometimes regret how deep and intricate my thought process is; I challenge you today to just thank Jesus Christ for thinking too much instead of not thinking enough. I have been facing the feeling of not belonging for years, probably since the age of 5. I always knew their was something different about me and instead of attempting to conform, I was true to myself all throughout my school days. I often became victim to bullying and verbal abuse from my peers but might I say that being "different" is so popular now lol - I guess it all was worth it. My void of not belonging was also associated by not being accepted holistically by any male. Currently, at the age of 21, I still cannot say that I have encountered an attraction of full understanding and willingness to understand me.
I lost my virginity at the age of 14. I did not start a horrible trend of promiscuity but I know I gave my body to men who only had skin deep interest in me. I have noticed through my collegiate career that my sexual needs and emotional needs have collided and also my strong need for affection and understanding... I am not perfect but I have been molding myself for my life partner for a while now and I had a heart wrenching encounter with a man last night that allowed me to come to the conclusion that it's not me that's messed up and that is undeserving of the things my heart desires. I know that I am simple with wants and complex in person. I have quite a demanding nature but I wholeheartedly love all the people I make connections with and I strongly believe that doing whatever is required to make my loved ones feel as such is never a second thought... it's priority to me. Thus, leading me to the understanding that I am not the issue in my quest to love and understanding. It is more the people that I choose. A broken soul cannot heal a broken soul. Two broken pieces still don't make a whole item because in the struggle of brokenness, pieces get lost along the way; If one has not taken the necessary steps to refill and grow and become whole again with the help of the Lord, they go through their life cutting people, sometimes without even noticing.
Many of the men that are in my bracket are not done with understanding their long term goals and successes which leads me to believe that mature young women in our generation are linking themselves with men who are not equally yoked with their knowledge and assurance of success. I am firm in my belief that if a man is lacking drive, ambition and want to understand a woman in every aspect, he is not ready for any other relationship other than a friendship with no sex involved. I have made the mistake of linking myself with people who are not on my pathway. Just because people have the same fundamental values with you, it is does mean they believe the way you believe or understand they way you understand. The pact I have made to myself is to continue growing and learning myself. I am far too intelligent to continue into a cycle of uncertainty into my twenty's. My biggest fear is not being able to find "the one". It seems so unattainable sometimes to the point it overwhelms me. But God will provide. I am confident that in due time, understanding and companionship will greet me.
I am sure you all are wondering, what kind of encounter did I have to make me think about this? Well, I hate being ignored. It is demeaning. It makes me feel like less than a person. And a loved one of mine knows this is one of my most aggravating pet peeves but finds it hard to UNDERSTAND why it is so demeaning to me. He ignored to the point to where I felt insane. I broke down, Literally. I did not even know I was capable of screaming as loud as I did. I came to the realization that I do not love anyone enough to allow them to drive me crazy. I have done everything in my being to make this person feel accepted, loved and supported. I want to tell you all, there is no confirmation or explanation you have to give to anyone when you have reached your breaking point. Your explanation usually ends up putting you back in that person's possession. Declare when you have had enough within yourself. That's the hardest part. It is painful but we have to come to a point where are more important which includes our feelings and what we deserve. I am for certain, the King that I belong to WILL accept me. I let all the worry go today in Jesus' Name.
It's not Me, It's You.
